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Sep. 10th, 2016


A lot happened...

It's been a while...
I had some busy and exciting weeks, so I just didn't find the time to post anything. Two weeks ago school started again, and the only one of us just going back there as before is my third son (a seventh grader now).
My oldest son graduated from high school in July and starts going to college in October. My second son left junior high school and is a sophomore student at high school now, and my daughter went from elementary to junior high (or middle school? I'm not really clear on what it's called. She's in fifth grade now).

And I, I said 'good bye' to my fourth graders in July, too (they also left elementary) and 'hello' to a new class of first graders last week which will be my class for the next four years.

I'm positively surprised by these students. I'm working in a school in a social hot spot with all the challenges you'd expect to have there, and my last class was - difficult. I loved them, but it took a lot of strength to work with them, even more than usual. The new ones seem to be a lot calmer and ready to observe the rules, and while there were some really aggressive vibes from day one in my last class, this one didn't show any sign of that until now. A LOT better start than four years ago, so I'm pretty happy. Of course there's the highly traumatized refugee boy who kind of does what he wants (and comes when he wants...), but he does it friendly. There's this other refugee boy that doesn't speak much German, but I gladly switched to English for the important things once I realized he speaks some. Also, he smiles all the time and is generally totally cute. Then there's this boy whose stepfather already threatened me and the principal (because we believed his son who said no one had beaten him, go figure), but his son is a little weird, but not aggresive at all. And the others are pretty normal, cute kids. Good times.

Meanwhile I got some more banners *beams* :

banner WE149MC.png
banner WE149BMC.png
Banner SS 74.png

They are all made by the wonderful red_satin_doll, and as always with her banners they are not just gorgeous, but bring out the icons even better than they are solo!

And then there was the first challenge over at btvs_lims, and what I never expected - I survied it, without a single vote against my icon at that! There was really tough competition, awesome icons all around, so I'm beyond happy I still survived! Tonight is the deadline of the second challenge with the voting probably posted tomorrow, so go have a look and maybe even vote.

To complete the good things happening to me lately - another one of my fics has been nominated at wicked_awards ! It was my entry at seasonal spuffy - A New Life. It's not that I see any chance in winning anything there, the competition is way too strong, but just being nominated means someone thought it worthy, and that is just neat! So THANK YOU whoever did it!!! You absolutely made my day!

Aug. 17th, 2016


I forgot to say...

With all the being so happy I totally forgot to mention that nominations will still be open for the rest of the month at wicked_awards !
I really want to encourage you to go over all the fics you loved, and all the art you admired lately and do the creator the honor to nominate them. You will definitely make their day!

It's open for fics and graphics not only for BtVS and Angel, but also for Firely, Stargate, Charmed, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Star Trek, Supernatural, Teen Wolf, and X-Files. It doesn't even need do be new; only past year's winners arn't allowed.

Do it. Go noniate!

Aug. 16th, 2016


More bragging...

I actually couldn't believe it. Even less than the first time, and let me tell you, I checked for five minutes then wether I really understood it right.

I've been nominated again, but this time - for one of my icons! An icon of me is nominated at wicked_awards ! Can you believe that? I still barely can!
It's this one:

Anya looking downicon10.png

I still feel weird with all the bragging, that's usually not my style (and other than certain bleached blonde ones, I really mean that), but I have to tell someone who understands how truly fantastic I feel with this! It's not about getting congrats.
And I don't need to win. Being nominated - I already won.

Whoever did this - thank you so, so much! It was a wonderful present!

Aug. 11th, 2016


Ficlet: see me feel me/ touch me heal me

I realized I didn't post the nominated drabble on my journal yet ...one of these days I'm going to go though my stuff and post the few things I posted elsewhere (including haiku and such...) here too. Even if most people on my flist have read it already, it feels...more complete, somehow.
And I'm starting with this.

The double drabble was written for  sb_fag_ends. It was inspired by the wonderful banner nmcil12 posted over at Seasonal Spuffy: http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/562061.html . Go have a look at it if you haven't already.

Many thanks to the lovely red_satin_doll who beta read it, despite still being half sick.

Title: see me feel me/ touch me heal me
Prompt: Wishful Thinking
Setting: BtVS s6, around DMP
Rating: PG15
Length: 200 words (plus titles)

see me feel me

Her eyes are closed.

He presses a kiss right beside one, a silent plea to open them, but she turns her head. Striving away from him, always away, with every part she doesn’t need connected to him.

At the same time she clamps him with her legs, hard, punishing him instantly for this audacity, making unmistakably clear which part of him she’s here for. Not his lips.

Not on her face at least.


He only thinks her name, softly, tenderly. Needing to be closer to her, but not daring to say it.

He wishes she would see him.

touch me heal me

She can almost hear him say her name, the same tenderness in his voice that she feels in his hands on her body. She tries to flee from it, to move away from him.

Can’t though. Can’t afford to leave this behind. This brief connection to the world, this brief semblance of life.

His kiss beside her eye burns into her, and she feels tears welling up behind her lids. Can’t shed them, of course. Can’t open her eyes. He already knows too much.

Because however she tries to hide, he always sees her.

She’s afraid she could see him too.

(Titles by The Who)



I'm nominated at  wicked_awards! To be exact - the last (double) drabble I wrote for sb_fag_ends is! I can't even tell you how happy that made me! I feel honored and am flattered by the company I find myself in!

So, whoever did it - thank you so much!

Aug. 2nd, 2016


LIMS-BTVS round 11, sign ups

I did round 10. Got thrown out in the frist challenge. Did the come-back challenge - alas, I didn't come back.
But: It was still fun, and I learned so much that round! The concrit I (and otheres, even though I didn't always agree) got there was kind and so helpful, and I want that again!

So, despite knowing I've no chance in hell to survive even one challenge, I'm still going to do it again:

Sign ups at lims_btvs are still possible, so go over and, well, sign up! The more participate, the more fun it is!
Tags: , ,

Jun. 26th, 2016



Three more awards for my icons, and one is even for First Place!
I still don't know what else to do with these, and I'm too proud to not show them...
Also, the banners made by starry_night are gorgeous, aren't they? Challenge #70 was '100' - icons for episode 100 of either BtVS or ATS, hence the tower platform in the background.

Banner SS#70.png

Banner SS#70MC.png

Banner SS#71.png
Tags: , ,

Jun. 24th, 2016


Good bye Great Britain :(

I haven't been awake that quickly for years like this morning when I caught only the last words of a sentence on my radio: "...never would have believed it."
I instantly knew - the worst case scenario has become reality. Great Britain voted for 'leave'. And I still can't believe it.
I'm shocked.

It's hard for the EU, but we will deal.
I'm afraid that for the UK it'll be a catastrophy.
What I find most dramatic is that, other than protest-voting for populists of the extreme right (or left) fringes of the political spectrum, the Brexit is permanent. It's nothing that can be undone by the next election, even if it turns out to be a mistake. I really, really hope it won't be.

I'm so, so sorry that it turned out that way. I feel with all of you who voted for 'remain', and who are scared now.

Giles with rose

55 days of BtVS: Day 12

Yes, I'm still writing...

Day 12: favorite season 2 episode

In season 2 the quality of the show improves considerably. While there are still some slip-ups to mourn (I look at you, Go Fish!), it also contains some episodes that in my opinion belong to the best of the whole show. It already starts with When She Was Bad that correlates directly not only with regards to content, but also quality wise with its fantastic predecessor Prophecy Girl.  School Hard follows, Lie To Me, Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, I Only Have Eyes For You and the fantastic double features Surprise/Innocence and, of course, Becoming I and II. All of them are television at its best; but there’s one episode that really knocks it out of the park for me: Passion.

Passion is a milestone. It’s the one episode where the audience gets hit with the fact that on this show, NO character is safe, not even those who are in the inner circle, and thus catapults the whole series on a whole new level of scary.

And talking about scary – it’s this episode where Angelus really reveals for the first time how very much frightening he is. It’s not even his murder of Jenny that shows us who and what Angelus really is and what he’s capable of. It’s the subtlety with which he works on demoralizing Buffy, the way he uses his intimate knowledge to get to her – through those she loves most. (Willow’s fish in an envelope on her bed – eek!) Threatening the Slayerettes proves to be most effective and it’s not so much the murder of Jenny that crushes her, it’s what it does to Giles, and Angelus knows that.

What Angelus didn’t anticipate though is the strength of the bond between the friends. It’s the threat against Willow that, instead of weakening her, works as a wake-up call. It’s right after that incident, in the company of Willow to keep her safe that she realizes how much of herself she gave away to Angel, captured by her first real love; admitting to her friend that her first instinct amidst everything happening still is to call Angel is the first step to take charge of her life again.

In this episode it gets unmistakably clear that what might have appeared kind of endearing to many viewers – the tendency to stalk Buffy from the moment he sees her, both before and after he met her and even after coming together (“I lurk…”) – is an inherent trait that Angelus always used to his advantage in his perverse mind games and is in fact even on Angel anything but endearing, but creepy and, considering where this habit comes from, downright scary.

Passion perfectly follows through with the set up that started with Innocence, and turns out to be the episode were Buffy’s life truly takes a turn to the dramatic and changes forever. While after Innocence the hope still lingered that the loss of Angel’s soul could somehow be repaired or compensated, that there’s still something of Angel inside him that can be revived, it’s here, the moment when she hears of Jenny’s death, that Buffy realizes she has to stop him. It’s certainly one of the worst of her life, and Angel’s pleasure outside her window makes it so much worse.

So much already happened in this episode until this moment, it would’ve been a fantastic one even if it ended right there. But it doesn’t. It gives us the incredible moment between Buffy and Giles on top that shows the decision Buffy made – for her loved ones. Once more, like before in Prophecy Girl, she actively decides to fight the good fight and accept her loss – for those she loves the most. It’s where her passion lies. But this time she doesn’t sacrifice her own feelings and desires; instead she finally begins to take some of her identity back, a process she will complete in Becoming II the moment she catches the sword.

Giles acknowledges what she’s doing as what it is and how hard it is on her and reacts instantly, even though deeply grieving, with supporting her, which displays in letting her cling to him after saving him against his will and hitting him, thus accepting that she needs him, and later letting her even mourn together with him at Jenny’s grave. What started at the end of Innocence with him giving her his sympathy and respect instead of reproach and disapproval beautifully culminates here in their getting even closer than before. It’s here, I think, where Giles truly begins to grow into the role as a surrogate father. In trying to rip them apart, Angelus only managed to strengthen their bond.

But Passion is not only brilliant in its thematic tightness; it’s also outstanding in its execution. From the chilling voice-over in the beginning and ending scenes to the excellent music to directing and cutting it’s a masterpiece of television. Additionally it plays the emotional scale up and down virtuously. It contains two of the very rare scenes alone that never fail to drive me to tears – first the moment Giles climbs his stairs, such hope and joy gleaming in his eyes and turning to absolute terror the next moment, brilliantly enhanced by ‘La Bohème’ in the background;

and then the subsequent phone call to Buffy and Willow. Especially this one is brilliantly shot, reminding of a very similar shot where Angel revealed to Buffy his old true self. This time, the veil it’s shot through separates them where before it had them appear like in an enclave – together against the world. This time, it’s her friend Buffy is together with.

And then there’s the scene of Angelus hunting and murdering Jenny – truly terrific in writing, acting, lighting and filming, climaxing in the realization that it hasn't been an empty threat when Angelus said his ‘and teacher – makes – three’. Horror at its best.

Additionally there's so much happening aside this main plot - Buffy kind of forgiving Jenny for the sake of Giles; Joyce having The Talk with Buffy; Spike and Angelus becoming more and more hostile toward each other; Willow picking up the teacher's role; the first mention of Xander’s Snoopy Dance - which all contribute to making this a brilliant episode.

I love how significant the title of this episode is. It’s all about the risk of letting passion rule you and letting someone in, even if it’s someone you love, but “don’t know if I trust you” and the looming consequences if you’re making  a mistake. But it’s beautifully balanced out with the positive consequences it can have if it’s the right one to trust. Even if Buffy has to let go of Angel, thanks to her friends she doesn’t have to live a life without passion - she doesn’t have to live a life where she’s emotionally dead. And this is what in the end gives her the strength to kill the man she loves - for the greater good, but first and foremost for her friends.

Jun. 4th, 2016

porch profile

Another icon award!

And again one of my icons won the mod's choice over at whedon_elite !
red_satin_doll made this wonderful banner:


Thank you both, the mods and the bannermaker!

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